Skip's Pages document
© 1997 by Skip Spitzer
Most people have heard of John Gray's book, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus: A Practical Guide for Improving Communication and Getting What You Want in Your Relationships, and his tape series of similar name. Many, however, are unaware of a serious hazard in the help he offers: Gray's techniques reinforce ideas about gender that are harmful to both women and men. Here's what we mean.
The Mars and Venus materials tell us that the differences between men and women are natural. For example, Gray says that for men "solving problems is instinctive."[1] Elsewhere, he tells us that we give love in a way that "our instincts want to give it."[2] There are many other examples. Indeed, simply describing men and women as so different ("as if from different planets"), without any mention of why we are different, tells us such differences "just are."
As vast amounts of research indicates, however, the behavioral differences between women and men are mostly created by the societies in which we live. As early as 1935, Margaret Mead documented cultures in which men were expected to be timid and nurturing, and women more aggressive and competitive. Even today, around the world we see a wide range of gender roles and behavior. Insofar as it is true, as Gray claims, that men in our society "value power, competency, efficiency, and achievement" and women "value love, communication, beauty, and relationships,"[3] these traits stem primarily from the social institutions that socialize men and women differently. Parents, toys, schools, language, TV, radio, comic books, cartoons, and movies in our society both reflect and create such ideas.
Since Gray suggests that men and women are just different, rather than recognizing that our notions of men and women are created by the societies in which we live, his solutions to relationship problems accommodate existing notions of gender. For example, when men drive around trying to find their destination without asking directions, their women partners in the passenger seat are to "give up giving advice" and take advantage of "a very special opportunity to love and support" their men by keeping quiet.[4] That is, rather than helping men to realize that it is OK if they need help, and allowing women a place in the arena of problem-solving, Gray's strategy embraces and reaffirms these differences for the sake of getting along.
While it is obviously important to get along, the problem with embracing and
reaffirming stereotypical notions of how men and women are is that many of our
notions of gender hurt both men and women--especially women. The idea that power,
competency, efficiency, and achievement are the stuff of men and that love,
communication, beauty, and relationships are the stuff of women fosters the
idea that men should pursue careers, while women should be primarily responsible
for housework, and child and elder care (even if they work full-time outside
the home). It also leaves women with less authority in the home than men.[5]
The idea that power, competency, efficiency, and achievement are the stuff of
men and that love, communication, beauty, and relationships are the stuff of
women undermines women's aspirations outside the home and creates powerful barriers
for them. For example, women earn only about 75% of men's earnings for a week's
work,[6] and are
often paid significantly less than men for comparable, or even more skilled,
work.[7] In decision-making
bodies, women are vastly underrepresented, including national, state, and local
government.[8]
Of particular note, the powerful idea that women must be beautiful, even to impossible degrees[9] and at tremendous personal and financial cost, devalues women as people. Men come to treat women as aesthetic things, and this has much to do with the alarming fact that in the U.S., on an average day, 4 women are murdered by their male lovers, 2,000 are raped, and 4,000 beaten.[10]
Rigid notions of gender are profound for men as well. Men in a culture like ours typically suffer from narrow and unreasonable expectations of masculinity, difficulty in relationships with both sexes, distance from their children[11], often life-threatening, achievement-related illnesses[12], propensity toward aggression[13], and an impoverished emotional life.
Ultimately, such problems can only be solved by the ongoing reworking of our
society's ideas about how men and women are. Likewise, the best medicine for
relationship woes not only gives us insights about how our partners are, but
also allows us to rework inappropriate roles and behaviors. It allows us to
redefine ourselves beyond rigid roles to be more balanced and satisfied
people, and to make space for our partners to do the same. The best medicine
allows men the comfort of saying, "I can't find it, so let's just ask at the
corner," and grants women the basic liberty of respectfully giving advice. The
Mars and Venus approach instead keeps us wrapped inside traditional ideas about
men and women, thwarting efforts to change our world and ourselves for the better.
For questions or comments, send email.
[1] From the John Gray tape series. An instinct is an inborn tendency.
[2] From the John Gray tape series.
[3] John Gray, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus: A Practical Guide for Improving Communication and Getting What You Want in Your Relationships.
[4] John Gray, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus: A Practical Guide for Improving Communication and Getting What You Want in Your Relationships.
[5] A good survey of recent research on the division of labor in families can be found in Renzetti and Curran, Women, Men, and Society, 3rd edition, Allyn and Bacon, 1995.
[6] U.S. Dept. of Commerce. The use of weekly earnings excludes earnings from overtime (and bonuses), so that we are not talking about disparities stemming from differences in hours worked. Looking at annual wages, the gap is larger.
[7] Consider, for example, that a child care worker (an overwhelmingly female-dominated occupation) earns $127 less per week than a truck driver and $264 less per week than a furnace operator. U.S. Dept. of Labor, 1991.
[8] A good survey of recent research on women in government and other policy bodies can be found in Renzetti and Curran, Women, Men, and Society, 3rd edition, Allyn and Bacon, 1995.
[9] For example, Only 1 in 40,000 women meet the requirements of the average model's size and shape. Naomi Wolf, The Beauty Myth, William Morrow and Co., 1991.
[10] Statistics from the FBI and U.S. Dept. of Justice.
[11] In one study, 50% of preschoolers polled said they would rather watch TV than be with their fathers. Among seven to eleven-year-olds, one in ten told researchers that their father is the one person they fear most. Ms., February, 1982.
[12] For example, men have significantly higher rates of ulcer, hypertension, and heart attack than women. There is a correlation between men who suffer from these illnesses and men who conform to traditional ideas of masculinity.
[13] Research suggesting that male aggression is due to biological factors is mixed. Regardless, the lack of aggressive behavior by non-traditionally socialized males highlights the decisive role played by social experience in determining behavior.
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